Those Aren't Muskets! are your port in a storm, your hot cup of tea on a cold winter's day, your daily dose of laughter-induced vomiting. Their dynamic new paradigm first synergized in 2007, when then-Heavyweight Champion of the World Abe "Ape" Epperson laid down his gloves in the ring, refusing to fight opponent Michael Swaim on the grounds that he "didn't want to hurt anyone anymore." The two embraced, the people of Mexico wept, and Those Aren't Muskets! was born. Since then, they've gotten their work featured on the front pages of Cracked, Funny or Die, Veoh, Revver, Youtube, Crackle, Break, Digg, Ebaum's World, College Humor, and, if you search for the term "Those Aren't Muskets," Google and Yahoo as well. Today, they continue to make funny from their mobile command unit in LA, while trying desperately to land jobs in the American Apparel factory.
Michael is head writer for Those Aren't Muskets, and performs in sketches regularly. He's a graduate of the UC San Diego department of theatre, a degree he is maliciously squandering by making stupid internet videos. He also contributes regularly to
Cracked (the humor site, not the crack site) as a member of their group
blog. He dreams of one day becoming a real boy.
Abe sleeps on the sets of
Those Aren't Muskets!'s shoots, attracted by the warmth of the lights. A mysterious and magical animal, he is invisible to everyone except other members of the comedy group. Often, Abe is found on dark London streets howling and searching for his long, lost (also invisible) love. He also found the camera we use.
Matt, producer and sometimes actor, tries to bring a touch of class to Muskets with his bookish wit and vaguely British expressions. Often visible as a wispy shadow at the edge of the frame, he is truly a bard in a scarecrow's body. Matt collaborated with Michael and Abe in early theatrical performances of sketch and improv comedy at UCSD, where he introduced them to the Mangled Larry- a drink containing a liter of gin. Abe has never been the same. Matt is also a zombie.
Brian, also known as "The Talent" or simply "hey, meat!" is a sometimes
featured and often shirtless actor for Those Aren't Muskets! A recent
graduate of UC San Diego, Brian plans to put his theatre and comparative
politics degrees to work in Los Angeles by appearing in Valtrex
commercials. He fervently hopes that TAM! will catapult him to the heights
of stardom enjoyed only by John Basedow and Michael Dorn. He never jokes
about baseball.
Lara attempts acting for Those Aren't Muskets because she has nothing better to do after work. She received her bachelor's degree in Neuroscience from UCSD
and went on to do many secret medical things at science buildings all across the globe.
Now she's in med school, and although she will one day get married, she has no plans to change her name. Therefore,
prepare yourselves for the future ministrations of Dr. Pickle.
Ryan is an actor, stagehand and marketing guru for TAM! He is an ambidextrous Irish-Mexican
with a History degree from UCSD. If you enjoy Kibbles and Bits and/or John Steinbeck, feel free to
thank Ryan, as his ancestors laid the foundation for both the dog food and characters of Cannery Row.
Sadly, the evil and diabolical Brian Cricketts often attempts to smear Ryan’s wholesome name. From 1997-2002,
Ryan was a hair model at the Barbazon School of Modeling. His hair was considered the "Citizen Kane"
of his generation.
Those Aren't Muskets has had crew assistance and included performances by: Dav Yendler, Heather Pauley, Neil Parker, Nathan Turner, Matt Barrs, Ryan Severance, James Bak, Geoff Lapid, Jon Mikulanis, Sam Hunter, Amy Funder, Kelly Lockwood-Larson, Katie Willert, Baily Hopkins, Giovanni Velasco, Dan Rubiano, Matt Black, Brentan Schellenbach, Brian O'Donovan, Spencer Howard, Dan Shapiro, Sarah Kapp, Ellen Swaim, Matt Yonker, Gregory Moody, Caitlin Kennedy, Margaret Gray, Brittany Candau, Samantha Griffith, David Chien, Andrea del Rio, Cheetah Platt, David Swaim, Jonathan Hicken, Megan Petersdorf, Gary Porter, James Barker, Matt Bovee, Lee Montgomery, Erin Bennett, Ian Dickinson, Dylan Seaton, Katy Stoll, Daniel Gordh, Danny Mastrangelo, Tim Stampher, Dan O'Brien and Nick Walker.
